How to Make Friends at Church
This is typically not the problem with a minister. You might not have any close friends, but you are always invited to all of the parties. There is always a standing invitation for you at the door, unless it is a sinful party then you will not be invited, which is fine with you. Most people want to be nice to the preacher and his family. Everyone will talk to you. But for the average member, just the normal happy family, how do you make friends at church? This might seem easy but from what I hear from church members, this is one of the hardest things to do. How do you get into a church?
1. First of all, you have to be there. You have to go to the events, whether a potluck, or services, but people will be your friend it seems after you have put in the time. This can take awhile because often church members will not talk to you much. They will be too busy talking with their friends. So hang in there, you will feel out of place, but with time, you will make friends.
2. Second of all, join a ministry. It is hard for church members to go to the next level with you. They do not know what to say, so it is a lot more enjoyable to talk with their previous friends, but if you join a ministry, people will talk to you because they need your help. Of course, no one will ask you to join, so just jump in there and start working. You will make friends if you do.
3. Third of all, the sad reality is that you must first be friendly because typically the church members will not. They will not invite you over for dinner, they already have enough friends and they are coming over anyway, so you will have to do the inviting, and yes, I know this is not fair, but this is reality. If you do get a invite sometimes, it is that “I have to do this” which is never fun to go to.
4. Forth of all, often the established members in the church do not want to be your friend, they might be nice, but the reality is that they already have enough friends, and really they do not care if you stay or go. Yes this is really sad, but I have seen this too much. So what can you do, well, look for other new members, they are really looking for friends and would be happy to connect with you. Start here and not at the long time members.
Here is some practice real life advice. I know everyone struggles with coming into a new congregation, but if you follow these suggestions, you will make friends quicker in the congregation.
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About The Author
Most churches will tell you #1 and #2 they will admit to #3 but will never admit to the truth of #4. I know from my experience #4 is very true and almost impossible to change.
Matthew, do you have any advice for people whose spouses are not Christians? I have found it very difficult to integrate into the fellowship of the churches I have been a member of.
Wendy, great question. And this question to be addressed more often as I am seeing more ladies coming into the congregation with a unbelieving spouse. Mostly, hang in there. Unfortunately sometimes single parent (of course not single, but single in coming to church) do not get invited out as much. Everyone is looking for couple friends. But also, there are a lot of lonely women in the congregations that are looking for a true friend, by that for them. Ask people out for coffee, by the lady that people can call to help them. Just be available, and do not make the fact that your husband does not come a issue. There is a lady at Castle Rock which her husband does not come, but probably she is one of the most popular members here. The reason: she is a super christian woman. That means, she serves at whatever needs to be done. Hope this helps, since I have no experience with this, but really would love to hear your thoughts so that I can help other people too.
I have to give you an exception to your rules. 21 years ago, I left Colorado Springs and many friends in the Church of Christ and moved to Nashville, TN. I was reluctant to start in a new congregation, in fact, it took me 2 years before I did find a church home there. I had met a musician and his girlfriend that went to one congregation, but they suggested another for me to go to. I was put in touch with someone in the congregation in the young professionals/singles group. We had never met until we found each other after Sunday morning worship before class started – without much information about what each other looked like. We actually found each other among the other 700 members – and some help from some of those members. Many people did approach me and invited me into their groups and as I met more and more people, I got more involved without even trying – I was pulled in many directions. This congregation is a loving, spiritual group. Yes, I will say there are the “cliques”, but they were not exclusive of new members and helping them find their niche.