My wife and I were talking about our children over coffee this morning. We were discussing if preacher’s kids have more pressure on them. And if so, where does this pressure come from? There is no doubt that some members of a church will place special status on the preacher’s children. They we be expected to live at a level of morality and behavior that surpasses some of the other children in the congregation. Though, this is not fair, this is sometimes the case. But how do the parents handle this situation? If we as parents attempt to lessen the impact of some of the member’s comments, will this help? If we try to teach our children right from wrong, but not that we have to appease every whim of every member, will this help? Does the majority of the pressure come from parents or the congregation? Love to hear people’s thoughts and advice on this.
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About The Author
Matthew is originally from Nova Scotia, Canada. He has a beautiful wife named Charity and a precious baby named Gabrielle. He has graduated from the Brown Trail School of Preaching, Heritage Christian University with his Bachelors of Arts in Biblical Studies, Lipscomb University with his Master’s of Arts in Biblical Studies and his Master’s of Divinity at Freed-Hardeman University. He is presently working towards his Doctorate of Ministry at Harding Graduate School of Religion. His articles have appeared in the World Evangelist, the Highway to Holiness, The West Virginia Christian, The Christian Echo, The Firm Foundation, Church Growth, and the Gospel Advocate. He enjoys hockey, golf, boxing, and chess. In his spare time he enjoys reading numerous genres of books. Also, he is working on climbing all of the 14ers in Colorado. Matthew is the Pulpit Minister for the Castle Rock church of Christ.
Hey Matthew! Speaking as a preacher’s kid, I can tell you the best two things my parents ever told me in this regard –
#1. I didn’t have to be a minister when I grew up – they would be proud of me no matter what.
#2. Their expectations of how I should behave were not based on what anyone in the congregation expected. Dad’s famous line was, “It wouldn’t matter what I did for a living – I’d still want you to act this way.”
Two simple statements, but they made a difference in my life.
Good to hear from you Andrew, and your comments are great advice, and I am thankful that you are a minister now. If any here does not know Andrew he is one of the most talented young men I have ever met in my life. He will have a huge impact for good in the church.
Matthew,
I have been thinking about how best to respond to your questions. I was a much loved preacher’s kid who loved being a preacher’s kid – that being said, I NEVER wanted to marry a preacher and I didn’t.
My parents brought me up in a very loving, positive and supportive way. I could do anything I wanted if it didn’t portray the church in a bad light (not the local congregation and not the Church of Christ – but the church) I think one of the greatest things they taught me was the bigger picture of the church – the bride of Christ.
My parents had a wonderful loving marriage. My mother adored my father and did everything possible to help him as a preacher’s wife – she did this out of love for him and love for Christ. My dad adored my mother and told her so repeatedly in my presence – lots of hugs and kisses. It was a very secure childhood. My security came from my parents love for each other and their love for Christ. So when bad things happened in a local congregation (which they do) it was upsetting but it didn’t rock my world or rock my faith.
My dad had an average stay of two or ten years in his over fifty years of preaching. Generally the two year stays were those congregations that were troubled – the elders tried to control the congregation through the pulpit or the elders were just inept. The longer stays were with congregations that were stable because they had good leadership (and good preaching).
My parents never told me that my dad’s job depended on my behavior – they didn’t have to – that was just understood. I never would have wanted to do anything to hurt my dad – his smile meant the world to me.
They never talked about negative congregational issues with me when I was young. They never talked about anyone in the congregation disrespectfully in front of me. They always were full of praise for different members who had done good things for the congregation or those who had been “restored” or baptized. They visited the sick and shut-ins on a regualr basis and took me with them whenever I would go. Sometimes when I didn’t want to go, my dad would say “just think of how happy your visit would make them” and I would usually go with him. (He never knew that I didn’t enjoy the visits, but loved the time spent with him.)
After I became a teenager, they were a little more open with me about things happening in the congregation(s). Naturally when one of the leading male members dies in a motel room with someone who is not his wife – you have to let your teen know. They also told me when I asked – as a teen- about those men who disagreed with my dad’s preaching or about those who seemed to have grudges against him which cause him to be fired – both in the past (before I was born) and in the present (in my teen years and afterward). My dad always told me that he didn’t hold that against them, the men were just ignorant or immature – that he always prayed that God would not hold their mistreatment of him against them. So the obvious hurt of my father was somewhat negated by his Christlike spirit of forgiveness. Not all of the times he was asked to leave were the result of aggression on the elder’s or congregation’s part. Sometimes they just wanted to make a change. My dad never did think that was good for the congregation, but he went willingly and without “burning his bridges” with any of the brethren. He has gone back and preached in meetings and visited many former congregations and was always treated with respect and open arms.
I was fortunate in that I only moved twice during my whole school years. One was a very good, positive move – the other one was devestating to me. I was 16 and cried for days – my dad tried to console me with the thought that the Lord had something better in store for us. It wasn’t until several years later when I met my husband that I understood what he was telling me.
So I would say that for me, being a prescher’s kid was just what I was/am. I never knew anything else and my parents never demanded special behavior from me.
Matthew,
, that I didn’t answer your specific questions.
But if they are ask for the person’s help with the children. Ask for their prayers that you might be able to bring your children up as God intends. Try to diffuse the situation before it escalates and harms your children’s feelings and/or faith (yours, too)
i just realized after my long discourse
I never knew of any negative talk from congregational members about my behavior or that of my older sister or brother. If there was any, we as children did not know about it. I do think my mother was very wise to consult the elders on a couple of occasions. My older sister’s first piano recital was on a Wednesday night (back in the early 1950′s). My mom told one of the elders in casual conversation that Barbara’s piano recital was on Wednesday night, so she wasn’t going to be able to perform – the elder said “don’t you make that child miss her first piano recital”. So she went to her recital with the elder’s blessing.
On another occasion in the 1960′s my 6th grade class was going to an end of the year swim party at a private pool. That was the custom for the 6th grade end of year party. My mother then talked to one of the elders and said she wanted them to know that I was going to go to the swim party (Mixed swimming was a big no-no in the “brotherhood” back then.) She told the elder that I was 12 years old and that my swimsuit would be modest and that she didn’t see anything wrong with my particpating and then asked the elder if he did. He said “no, tell her to have a good time.”
Naturally we don’t have to appease the whim of every member, but I don’t think we should fan that flame with our children. I think we need to be respectful of other’s opinions even if we don’t agree with them.
I think I would have to prayerfully consider any criticism of my child and see if it is warranted. Children do mess up sometimes – sometimes their behavior is not acceptable and we as parents may not even be aware of it. I think maybe asking the person what they think you should do about the behavior is a good idea.
As young as your children are, I don’t see how they could be up to any bad beahvior problems yet
BTW, as an upper elementary student, I did hit one of the elders in the crotch with my boxed purse (a wooden purse that was very popular at the time). My mom saw me and after we got home asked “did you have to hit him in the crotch?” My dad just raised his eyebrows – I told him the man gave me the creeps. He told me the man thought he was teasing me in fun, but didn’t realize that I didn’t enjoy the teasing. Neither of my parents scolded me for that incident and I secretly wondered if they thought he had it coming – they also didn’t make me apologize. He never teased me again. (But he was one of the elders who wanted my dad to leave several years later – another 10 year stay)
Thank you for your comments, you father is a amazing man. He could have reacted differently and you would have responded differently. It was through his loving example that you had a positive experience. But I was wondering, why were you against marrying a minister? Was it just the moving, just wondering.
No, it wasn’t the moving. I actually think moving is fun – sometimes – new places, new friends.
I think it was more a certainty that I would never measure up to my mom as a preacher’s wife. I am too outspoken and not a very good cook or seamstress or nurse – qualities at that time I deemed necessary for a preacher’s wife
That’s funny, we have a lot of ideas of what makes what. I took up golf because I believed all good preachers play golf.
Remembering that you are a Christian first, a husband, a father, and then a minister – in this order. If a member of the congregation is picking on your child (this unfortunately does happen as myself and other former-PK friends can attest to), be it elder, deacon, a well-meaning Sunday-school teacher, etc., please defend him or her (obviously in a respectful manner). Knowing your Daddy has your best interests, feelings, and self-esteem at heart means the world (even when you are a slightly rebellious pre-teen and teenager).
One more thing, I hope you don’t mind. I do not send you this link to worry you (I pray that it does not as there is some information on this site that can be worrisome). Please rest assured that I know many “normal” adult preacher’s kids, too. Truth be told, I’m a pretty normal person, myself. There is a website dedicated to preacher’s kids. http://www.preacherskids.com This site may provide some helpful information that you were unaware of and may help you and others.